There have been many moments in my life when I know that God is there, but I do not feel His presence. I talk to Him, but He does not respond - my conversations are like monologues in which only I, speak or rant. Moments like this can be frustrating.
Just a while ago, however, I realize that there is a difference between God not answering my prayers and me failing to acknowledge and recognize His answers...
This time is a crucial time in my life. Just when I finally had the resolve and the will and the conviction to reconnect with God, to reestablish my relationship with Him, here comes a distraction, a temptation so strong it's so hard to resist.
This temptation embodies all the things that are contrary to my nature - all the things that I've long wanted to become. To loosen up. To have fun. To look for adventure. To try new things. To explore. To let go. To be spontaneous.
These are things I've long wanted to experience, characteristics I've long wanted to develop in me. And now, a perfect opportunity is presenting itself, but it is also an avenue of sin. It might not be sin per se (or maybe I'm just convincing myself that it isn't), but it is a path that is most likely to lead to sin.
This temptation embodies all the things that are contrary to my nature - all the things that I've long wanted to become. To loosen up. To have fun. To look for adventure. To try new things. To explore. To let go. To be spontaneous.
These are things I've long wanted to experience, characteristics I've long wanted to develop in me. And now, a perfect opportunity is presenting itself, but it is also an avenue of sin. It might not be sin per se (or maybe I'm just convincing myself that it isn't), but it is a path that is most likely to lead to sin.
I feel confused, because I want it badly. And I am torn, because I know it isn't the best choice, and I might be setting up myself for destruction if I go for it. There is chaos deep inside me, and I've been asking God to enlighten me, to poke me and wake me up from this trance. And a while ago, while reading Companion, God seemed to speak directly to me.
"... no one who fails to act in righteousness belongs to God..." said the passage, and the reading also mentioned that curiosity is good only if it leads to righteousness. The passage spoke directly to me, and I felt that it was God's answer to my question and confusion.
I still don't have full resolve now to say no to the temptation and actually mean it, but I continue to ask God for His grace, that He will provide me with enlightenment and the courage to do the right thing, no matter what it costs. Hear my prayer, oh Lord. Amen.
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