The Heart Isn't Always Right.

Or is it?

I remember my brother saying once (and I think he was quoting the bible) that the heart is foolish. That people must not always give in to its desires, because the heart easily falls to the traps of the world. And I guess he is right, because the heart doesn't think. It doesn't consider consequences. It doesn't consider the future. It simply acts on impulse. It simply acts on the present.

Why then do people say that we must follow our heart? Don't they know how dangerous it is to follow the heart? 

I've also been following my heart and ignoring the voice of reason for sometime now, and yes I've been happy. I am happy now. But what about tomorrow? What about consequences? What about right and wrong?

These are questions I've been trying to avoid, because I still don't want to face the truth. But until when? I do not know.

Earlier this year, I'd been faced with a temptation so strong I almost gave in to it. But, with prayers and with God's grace, I was able to move on without giving in and falling (more of the story here). I was able to move forward without looking back, and I remember feeling proud of myself after getting through that temptation.

But, just when I thought I've won, here comes another temptation - and there's no saving me this time. I've already fallen, and fallen hard. I don't know how to walk away now like I did with the first one.

When I look at the two and compare them, I can only see one big difference. There was no emotional investment with the first one, so it was easy to walk away and move on. But, I can't say this to be the same with the situation I'm in right now. I've already invested a lot of emotions into this and my heart has already led me farther and farther, so it's not easy to just go away.

I know I want this. I know I'm happy where I am. I know I care a lot about the person involved.

But, I just can't let go of this voice telling me that this is all wrong. That nothing good will come out of this. And that at the end of it all, no matter how this ends, I will always be the one responsible for everything.

I know God is here for me, that He is just waiting that I come to Him for help, like I did the first time when I prayed hard for Him to help me overcome the temptation and walk away. And I triumphed. Only this time, I'm not sure if I want to walk away. I'm not sure whether I really want to overcome this temptation. I'm not sure I want to say goodbye and move on. 

Now that's the real problem.

Abandon Can Be The Most Beautiful Thing In The World.

That moment when finally, after the long battle between your emotions and your reason, you decide to just close your eyes, drown out the voices in your mind, and plunge deep into the unknown, following your gut feel - hoping against hope that all will be well in the end.

That moment when you are faced with a temptation so strong it's overwhelming - you can't help but simply fall despite all the bells of alarm ringing in your head.

That moment when you finally decide to just give it a go, to just live in that present moment where you're in, no matter what the consequences and no matter what the next moment will bring.

That moment in your life when you know you're venturing into forbidden territory, when you know you're doing something wrong and you might get caught anytime, but what the heck, to hell with everything else, you just want to get lost in the maze of your emotions and feel alive.

That moment in your life that is so wrong, yet so right. And you're so scared to do it, yet you did. And every time the voice in your head will bug you, you find consolation knowing that you are just following the voice of your heart.

Abandon is sweet.

God Listens, and Responds.

There have been many moments in my life when I know that God is there, but I do not feel His presence. I talk to Him, but He does not respond - my conversations are like monologues in which only I, speak or rant. Moments like this can be frustrating.

Just a while ago, however, I realize that there is a difference between God not answering my prayers and me failing to acknowledge and recognize His answers...

This time is a crucial time in my life. Just when I finally had the resolve and the will and the conviction to reconnect with God, to reestablish my relationship with Him, here comes a distraction, a temptation so strong it's so hard to resist.

This temptation embodies all the things that are contrary to my nature - all the things that I've long wanted to become. To loosen up. To have fun. To look for adventure. To try new things. To explore. To let go. To be spontaneous.

These are things I've long wanted to experience, characteristics I've long wanted to develop in me. And now, a perfect opportunity is presenting itself, but it is also an avenue of sin. It might not be sin per se (or maybe I'm just convincing myself that it isn't), but it is a path that is most likely to lead to sin.

I feel confused, because I want it badly. And I am torn, because I know it isn't the best choice, and I might be setting up myself for destruction if I go for it. There is chaos deep inside me, and I've been asking God to enlighten me, to poke me and wake me up from this trance. And a while ago, while reading Companion, God seemed to speak directly to me.

"... no one who fails to act in righteousness belongs to God..." said the passage, and the reading also mentioned that curiosity is good only if it leads to righteousness. The passage spoke directly to me, and I felt that it was God's answer to my question and confusion.

I still don't have full resolve now to say no to the temptation and actually mean it, but I continue to ask God for His grace, that He will provide me with enlightenment and the courage to do the right thing, no matter what it costs. Hear my prayer, oh Lord. Amen.