3 of 3 Series: 14 Lessons on Love, Loving, and Relationship

Here is the last post in the series that I started HERE.

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11. That love isn’t exclusive. Romantic love needs other kinds of love for it to grow. > I have always believed in keeping a separate, additional circle of people outside of our relationship circle. We need friends, family, and other individuals in our life. As for me, who has only a few people in my life and who strongly value my own time and space, I always try to spend time alone - to recharge and regenerate, and to do all the things that I can only really do when I am on my own. Given our nature to crave attachment, it can become a challenge and it may require discipline. I have found out, though, that the long-term benefits and satisfactions are worth it. Our time with others and with ourselves will give our relationships additional nourishment.

12. That we can let go and still love. That love sometimes means letting go. > If not love for the other person, at least love for ourselves. There are things that are bigger than relationships, and these things can also entail love - maybe a different kind of love, but love still. In my life, there are people that I have let go because I loved them enough to give them the chance to be independent and to enjoy the joys of maturity. There are people that I have let go because I loved myself enough to save me from the negative influences of the said people. And there are people that I have let go because I loved them enough to know that distance will be better over togetherness.

13. That true love is imperfect, but it can accept imperfections. > True love knows that none of us is imperfect. That one day soon, one of you will hurt the other (intentionally or not), that one of you will put his own interest over the interest of his partner (selfishness is innate, after all, and only discipline and strong will can combat it), that one of you will betray the other... At a certain point, both of you will have done a number of wrongs against each other. But true love will overlook the fault, or recognize it but forgive it. Because true love knows no matter how hard we try to be good, we fail. But, we continue trying.

14. That true love is still bound by reason, by the rules of right and wrong. And true love cannot bloom when it is wrong. > Now I strongly believe in this. In my situation right now, I'd say right and wrong aren't clear cut by definition. There are certain things that we believe to be right, regardless of their morality or immorality, and regardless of the beliefs of the people around us. There are issues of right and wrong that only our heart can discern. If something is wrong but which our heart believes to be right, who shall tell us off? In the end, it is us who deals with our conscience. I'd say the most important thing here is that we do not betray ourselves and our values.

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February is almost at an end, but true love is forever. True love is forever. :)

2 of 3 Series: 14 Lessons on Love, Loving, and Relationship

So here's the continuation to my post the other day - some lessons about love that I have written in 2011, and how my views about them have changed (or remained). The first part of this post is HERE.

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5. That we need to love ourselves before we can truly love others. > Some people say that true love is love that exceeds one's love for himself, but I do not believe that. Because true love can only come from a fulfilled person, and we can never be fulfilled if we lack self love. Others' love cannot sustain us if we don't have love for ourselves. And the absence of self love makes us incapable of loving others. Because loving others without loving ourselves... That is often motivated by our unconscious need to gain love. In this case, we give only because we hope to gain - to gain something that we cannot give to ourselves.

6. That true love isn’t all about the here and the now. It is made up of the past, the present, and the future all in one. > Loving here and now, regardless of the past and the future - this is one of the biggest misconceptions about love, and it is one misconception that has caused many people suffering. Loving requires acceptance (and not ignorance and neglect) of the past, as well as a look at the future. You love your partner, but he has always been an alcoholic in the past. You love your partner, but he cannot see himself settling at least in the next five years (whereas you plan to get married and see yourself settled in three years). These are practical things that can easily get lost amid feelings of passionate love. But then again, love isn't about the here and the now alone. Sooner or later, these realities will come haunting.

7. That friendship can sustain whenever love occasionally wanes. > I cannot stress enough the importance of being friends with our lover. Because sometimes, friendship becomes the only common ground left between two persons in a relationship whenever things become a little shaky. In the end, if everything doesn't work, friendship can be the only thing that remains. And yes, lucky are those people who are friends first before being lovers (lucky me in my present relationship), but that doesn't mean that those who become lovers first cannot be friends anymore. In fact, as a romantic relationship grows, friendship can grow along with it.

8. That without God, a relationship is doomed. > And it's difficult when one of you believes in Him, and the other doesn't. Heck, the fact is that there's difficulty even if both of you believe - if you don't have the same level of commitment in your faith. If you are the one with the stronger faith, you will most probably feel an obligation to carry the other (and that can be tiring, I tell you). Or, your partner might soon pull you away and cause you to slack off. Soon, guilt will probably eat at you. And if you don't handle that feeling well, you might end up resenting your partner for not supporting you, at the very least. As for me, I hope I don't end up that way. I'm still working on it, and God help me.

9. That love isn’t all about pleasure. It involves joy and pain and a whole mix of good and bad emotions that blend into each other to create the real experience of true love. > Most of us have an ideal picture of love, and I think there's nothing wrong with that ideal picture. After all, if we don't hope for the best when it comes to love, it won't be possible to hope for the best when it comes to anything else. This ideal picture may soon cause disappointment when we find out loving is not all rainbows and sunshine. But, all these can actually strengthen love in the end. In some instances, after all the experiences - both good and bad - most of us will look back and agree that it was better that we have loved, and lost (if that is the case), than not to have loved at all. The heartaches are often worth it.

10. That it’s passion which keeps a relationship interesting, but it’s love which keeps it lasting. > While passion can mean getting happy-crazy about the other person, or being head over heels in love, true love is not always about that. True love transcends all that. After all the buzz and the craziness, true love prevails. It can remain quiet, still, calm, but in those simple things it can be content. And when passion subsides, true love can carry us through.

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Lessons 11 to 14 will be posted next time. Happy reading! :)

1 of 3 Series: 14 Lessons on Love, Loving, and Relationship

I came across an old post while cleaning up and emptying my old blog - my Valentine post last February 2011. When I wrote that post, I was in a relationship. And now, a lot has already changed. 

I've broken up with my then boyfriend (after five years and five months of being together), enjoyed being single for almost a year, got involved with one of my girl friends, and now she's my girlfriend (we're turning one year this coming April).

Some of the experiences I've had since writing the said article have validated the lessons I included in the post while other experiences proved some of the lessons wrong. In this series of 3 posts, I will be posting the 14 lessons I enumerated and how my views about them have changed (or remained).

So, here it goes.

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Heart’s day is just around the corner, and there are already a lot of Valentine decorations around. So, I guess there’s no better post than something about – err, love – today. I’m not the type who goes all mushy over this topic. And for this occasion, let me simply post some random lessons that I have learned about love over the years. Here goes…

1. That love is love, only when it is allowed to grow naturally in the heart – no planning about it, no forcing it either. > I still agree. Love sometimes enters our life when we're most unprepared - no plans, no whatever agenda. And even as it starts to take control of our life, it's important that we do not rush things - that we think things over and over, that we take the time to see whether that love is bound to grow over time or whether it's bound to perish after a while. When the time is right, love will fully bloom.

2. That love needs to be nourished, cared for, looked after like a young plant in a garden. At. All. Times. Even the strongest of love needs tending. Otherwise, it dies a slow death. > Yes! No matter how strong love is, no matter how passionate, no matter how real, time (and the occasional storms) can tire it or wound it. And without utmost care, it may slowly wither (and we might not even notice until it's down to its last breath!). So I would say, loving needs conscious effort. Yes, it's easy to drown in the feeling when we're at the height of this emotion, but half the time, we need to make a conscious effort to make things work and drive things forward. With true love, this should be easy.

3. That love isn’t all about romance. It’s also about dreaming together, moving forward together, growing together, enriching each other in faith and in values – together. Without all these, love withers. > Now this one's difficult. Half the time, we find someone we love so much - only that person doesn't share all of our values. And that's okay. After all, we're all created to be distinct individuals. But, amidst all the differences, it takes real effort to find a common ground, some sort of balance, to keep things smooth and even. Because converting one person in the relationship into the beliefs and values of the other person doesn't work (especially if the reason for the conversion is wrong). So yes, we may have differences. But then again, it's important to make a conscious effort to thrive in a healthy, balanced relationship.

4. That true love isn’t blind. True love understands. True love knows. True love comes with awareness. > True. Even when we choose to get involved in a wrong relationship, we are aware. We know the consequences. We know the challenges. And we know we could end up in a mess. But, what we do is dig out the good possibilities from an ocean of bad possibilities. And even if we believe we've been blinded by love, the truth is that we only decided to close our eyes and plunge... Because there are risks worth taking when it comes to love.

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I'll be posting the second part next time - Lesson 5 to 10.

True Love Requires Will

It’s not solely based on emotions. The most genuine of love requires will. I’m not saying that love without will is not love. It is still love. But, this is not the strongest kind of love. If we want the strongest kind, we need to inject will into it.

It’s very easy to love someone based on emotions, but that love is limited. That kind of love is only capable of loving those that are worth loving – the people who are kind to us, those people who do us good, and those who love us back. That’s love, yes. But there is a stronger, a more beautiful kind of love – a love driven by will.

This kind of love can love even those who are not worth loving, even those who we do not feel like loving. It is will that enables us to love even those who are evil to us, those people who do us wrong, and those who hate us. Without will, we won’t be capable of loving these kinds of people.

It is will-driven love that enables us to forgive those who wrong us, the kind of love that enables us to accept the imperfections of the people around us, and the kind of love that gives us true peace of mind. Without will, we won’t be capable of forgiving, of accepting, and of being at peace with our own conscience.

With will, however, we can.

And isn’t that a show of strength? Isn’t this love more beautiful? Isn’t this more genuine? It is only in these instances when we can truly say – love triumphs.

What Matters Most

Throughout life, there’s only one thing that really matters. At the end of everything, only one question will be asked to each one of us as we stand before the Father. One simple question, and we are given a lifetime to find an excellent answer. What comes into your mind?

How many trophies and medals have you gathered?

How much money have you earned?

How high was the position you reached?

How many words of praise have you received?

How many hands have touched yours in congratulations?

How many people cried during your death?

How many people still remember you after a year of perish?

These, and many more, may come to mind.

But really, only one thing matters. Everything else will be useless. Here is just the simple question to all of us –

How many people have you loved with all your heart?

Quite a simple question, and we have a lifetime to spend preparing our answers. Can we stand proud before the Lord someday and give an excellent answer to this question? Why not? We can start preparing now!

Life’s Too Good for Sulking

(photo credit)

This is for you, for you who can’t find enough reason to smile.

The world is good, or are you not aware of that? Can’t you see the blessings that surround you? Can’t you see the world opening its arms, ready to embrace you?

I’ve seen you a lot of times like that, and a few times I’ve tried to smile at you. But, it seems you’re so wrapped up in your misery, or anger, or whatever it is that is consuming you – you seem not to have seen me at all.

I don’t know what you’re going through. What pain you may be enduring, what burden you may be carrying on your shoulders. But there’s one wish I have for you. I wish that you will see the beauty surrounding you. It’s not the end of the world, and life is good. Life is gentle to those who are suffering, tender to those who are in pain.

Life loves you.

I Love To Be There For You.

I love to be there for you during good times, to laugh with you until we get tears in our eyes.

I love to be there for you during bad times, to hold you in my arms and tell you everything is gonna be alright.

I love to be there for you in the morning as you wake up, to be the first to hear your voice and see you smile.

I love to be there for you before you sleep at night, to hold your hand until you close your eyes.

On Love.

"I believe that love that is true and real, creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And then the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face, like some rhino-hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave... It is because they make love with sufficient passion, to push death out of their minds... until it returns, as it does, to all men... and then you must make really good love again." - Midnight in Paris

*** Quote stolen from someone's phone. I LOVE YOU. :)

We Can Hurt Even Those We Love.

No matter how unintentional, and no matter how much we love the person, time will come when we will hurt or disappoint that person. Because like everybody else, we're imperfect. We are easily affected by events that happen around us. Our moods are unstable. Our emotions are weak.

But do you know what's beautiful about it all? When at the end of the day, we still find ourselves together with that person. When we can feel sorry about what we've done. When we can forgive and let go of each other's shortcomings. And when we can look past through the imperfections of one another and find love beyond.

Love Is Not Something You Can Hide.

You can keep it within you for as long a time as you can, but definitely not forever. At one point in your life, you have to release it and allow it to find the person to which it is for. Only then can love triumph.

Love Prevails.

Things are not perfect. Someone close to me just got a miscarriage. Deadlines are coming up at work. I badly need sleep. And I've got so much on my plate this coming week. Time seems to be always running out.

But, 

these things don't matter.

Because when someone's in love,

everything else fades in the background.

Fear Can Mean Love.

I'm not sure about what I feel, but right now there is one thing that I know:

That I'm scared. 

I read the post. And I'm not sure, but I think it's about you. And if it is, that only means it isn't over yet. Yes, you told me several times it's over, at least on your part. But in all honesty, I did not quite buy that - maybe because I've always believed you can never be totally over a person who had been a very important part of your life in the past. There will always be something left for that person. And if the other person has the same emotions left, the temptation to get back together will always be there. All that's needed is an opening, even just the slightest chance, even just the smallest ray of light. And I guess that post, it's an opening, a chance, a ray of light. 

I'm not sure about what I feel, but I know I'm scared.

If you see that opening, what would you do? Would you be tempted to go back and give it another shot? Would you realize that the present is all just a waste, that it was really just a way to get back at your past? I've never really admitted this to myself, but all this time this thought has been in my subconscious - I've always wondered whether what we have is just your form of revenge to someone who has hurt you in the past, that this is just to show the person that you can move on. I'm too proud to admit that this thought bothers me, that this is one of my fears, but it does bother me and it is one of my fears. Once I asked you to meet her again without me with you, just to see whether you still had feelings for the person. I guess I wanted to be sure that you've really moved on, that whatever we have is for real. But you refused. I had three thoughts running in my mind back then - one, that you refused because you really wanted me to be with you on that occasion; two, that you refused because you were afraid to be tempted again and to fall under the person's spell if you go there alone, so you needed me beside you; and three, that you wanted me there as a trophy to show around and let the person know that you've moved on. I ignored those thoughts and buried them in my subconscious, and there they've stayed since then. Until now, I still wonder. And I guess, as long as we're together, I'll always have these thoughts with me. And every time something would come up, I would be scared.

I know I'm scared, but does that mean I love you?

I think I know the answer. I think I knew it all along. I think I do. I just could not admit it to myself yet because I could not go with this, not just yet, until I have everything in my life all sorted out. But what about the fear? What about these bothering thoughts? I guess they're all part of the things I would have to deal with when I finally decide to go with this. After all, your past will always be part of your life.

Putting A Timer On Love.

Love is one of the things in this world that you can't plan. It just happens. You just feel it. It comes from out of nowhere. Oops, slash that one last statement out. No, it doesn't always come out of nowhere. Sometimes, you recognize a feeling close to it at its earlier stage, but you're not sure. You feel the emotion bloom until one day you realize - it's love. There are instances when you feel it coming.

With this being true, of being able to feel love when it comes to you, is it possible to put a timer on it? To tell it 'Hey, not yet. I still have some things to sort out in my life. Just let me get done polishing all the small details in my life that need polishing, so that I'll be all prepared for you'? Really, can you get ready for love? Is it something you can prepare for? Can you really have some form of control over it? Can you tell love 'Hey, I'll be ready for you at this time, once I have already taken care of this particular issue that I need to take care of'?

I guess that's what I've been doing all along, putting a timer on love. I feel it coming and I tell it 'Wait! Not yet! I still have to sort this thing out! Be here once I'm done with this one!' And even when I feel it already, getting closer and closer, I try to shut it out and ignore it because I'm not yet done dealing with my issues. I'm not sure if this is one good way to deal with it, but this is the best way that I know. I just hope the timer won't run out before I'm ready.

We're Just Ordinary People.

"We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (take it slow)"

We're just ordinary people.
We get confused.
We make mistakes.
We fall in love.
We get hurt.
Coz we're ordinary people.

I'll Say "I Love You" Only When I Mean It.

I'm not gonna say it simply for the sake of the words. Not simply because I feel happy about the moment. Not simply because someone tells me he loves me and I feel compelled to say "I love you, too". Or not simply because the perfect opportunity to say it has come up.

No.

I've said "I love you" many times in the past, and I've heard the words many times as well. But, how many of the words I've uttered have I actually meant? And how many of those I heard were really meant the way they should mean? I don't know.

And I can't do anything about words that have already been uttered, now lost in the sea of memory and time. But, I can do something about words that I've yet to say.

And this time, I want "I love you" to mean something when I say it. I may say it just once, or only a few times, but if it's for real it would be more than enough. It would be much more meaningful than all of the I love yous uttered in the world.

Once You Decide To Give Something A Go, Give It Your All.

It could be in your career. It could be in your relationships. It could have something to do with the pursuit of your one great dream. It could have something to do with the thing you've been longing for. Or it could have something to do with love and loving. No matter what area of your life is involved, always, always give it your all.

Let go. Let go of all the things that hold you back.

Direct all your energy to the task at hand. Work so hard and push your limits. Work until you sweat, until you bleed, until you feel your heart beating to the full.

Give it your all, until you feel like you have nothing more to give. Don't stop until something happens. Run in pursuit, fast, hard, until the heaven sees you and finally works its miracles to grant you your one great wish.

Let your passion consume you. Let it take full control of everything you do until you come up with that masterpiece that will be your legacy to the world.

Love. Love fully. Love until you feel like your heart cannot contain the feeling anymore. Let your love overflow. Let your love overflow and wash away any fear. Let your love overflow and drown out any doubt. Let your love overflow until you feel the world has become a better place because of that love.

We Are Loved.

Just when we think some people have already moved on with their life and have already forgotten us, something happens that will make us realize that we matter to them, that they care for us, and that we are special in their eyes.

Truly, we are never alone. Somewhere out there, someone cares. Someone thinks of us fondly. Someone treasures a memory of a time spent with us. And someone is blessed because of our presence.

We Need Courage To Make Things Happen.

Some fears and negative emotions are hard to let go, and our preconceived notion of people can be difficult to change. But, if we allow our fears and hesitations to reign, we'll end up paralyzed in our spot.

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I've resolved to love more this year, but I've discovered that loving comes with many other requirements. It requires opening up more, reaching out more, getting out of our comfort zone, and many other similar things. Because loving isn't only about feeling. More important than ever, it's about taking action.

I've always had a struggle with some of the requirements I mentioned above because of  emotions like fear and doubt, and I found out that having the will and conviction to love more isn't always enough to really succeed. Added to these, I also need to muster a lot of courage and boldness, and to think less of myself, if I am to really love more.

Opening up and reaching out takes boldness, dealing with people takes courage, and preparing to deal with new things takes braveness. These are a must in all endeavors, and they're especially important if we are to love more.

I know I still have a lot to learn when it comes to this. And I still need a lot of courage to overcome many of my fears. With courage, I can make things happen.

The Love We Give Will Not Always Be Reciprocated, But We Should Continue to Love Anyway.

And this does not only apply to romantic love - it can apply to all kinds of love.

It is in man's nature to expect love in return when love is given, but this is a failed venture. When one always expects love in return to a love that is given, sooner or later that person will be disappointed. Because not all the people that we love will love us back. Yes, sometimes they will, but not in the way we want them. We should always be ready for this, and the only way we can be ready is to simply love without expectations.

This year, I've resolved to love more - to care more for the people around me, to prioritize them over things, and to be more expressive, especially to those that I value. I had so much hope at the beginning of the year, and I can say that I'm succeeding (yeehee!). There were some downfalls, however, when I felt that some of the people around me did not appreciate what I was doing, and for a while that bothered me.

But then, I remembered my main purpose - to simply love more. Loving is simple, but we sometimes make it complicated because of our expectations. When I was able to see my situation and told myself that I should simply continue to love, without expecting, because this is my real purpose, I have finally become at peace with myself.

Today I am content, giving out love and cheer to the people around me without too much expectations of receiving their love in return. It also helps to know that there are people, few they may be, who share their love with me with all their heart.

I'll keep on loving :)

People are Imperfect... But We Must Love Them Anyway.

People can fail us. They can hurt us. They can do bad things to us. Because they are imperfect. But, love can forgive and accept all these. In this world, love is the only perfect thing that can conquer all imperfections.

Many of the complexities in my life spring from instances when people do not meet my expectations... when people fail me in certain ways.

And today, I realize that the real reason behind these complexities is the insufficiency of the love that I give to people. In many circumstances, I love with condition. I love only the good. I love only the beautiful. I love only those that favor me. Conflicts, disappointments, and chaos occur when the bad, the imperfections, and the ugly surface, because I do not love them - my love is conditional.

If I will only have the will to love even those that are not perfect, then the ugly and the bad won't matter - because true love conquers everything.

I thank God for giving me the grace of this realization, and showing me the peace and joy associated with putting this into practice. May I always have the will to love at all times, no matter what. And may I always remember and apply this to myself as well - realizing that I am also imperfect, but that I should love myself anyway.