There are Times...

When my own 
apathy 
and 
strong 
emotional detachment
scare me.

Some Moments Can Catch Us Off Guard.

And as for me, those moments almost always catch me during late afternoons. And the effect is almost always sadness. For no apparent reason.

I don't know what's there during this time of day, not sure why those moments should come at this hour - around 4pm to 5pm, when people are supposed to be relaxing after the day's work and the world is preparing for sleep. It especially happens when time is passing slowly, during those moments when I'm not occupied with any worldly stuff or any task I'm supposed to finish.

These episodes used to come frequently years ago when I was still in the province - maybe because back then, I always had a lot of time to think about stuff, about life in general. Fast forward to the present, my time is usually occupied by work, by the internet, and by many other supposedly grown-up things. And, I often feel like in a hurry; time has become a luxury these days - I often miss the slow days I used to enjoy in the province many years ago. Life was simple, satisfaction came about easily, and I had no problem appreciating even the smallest stuff.

It's different now. I have less time in my hands. And, moments like the one I mentioned don't come as often. But, when they do, the impact is the same. I still could not pinpoint where the emotion is coming from, but it's there. Sometimes, I think, it could be the sadness brought about by unfulfilled dreams, triggered by regrets over things I've failed to do, all buried in my subconscious. Sometimes, I wonder, could it be emptiness trying to surface? Those empty spaces in the soul that I've tried to fill up with things and ideas that I thought would suffice to complete my being? Could it be those emotions of sadness that I've tried to bury underneath masks of smile and courage and indifference, all piled up together to haunt me every time an opportunity, an opening in my consciousness, comes up? That could be it, or many others.

Moments like this - they come out of nowhere and they often surface during vulnerable hours. But, as much as these moments often leave me confused, wondering, bothered... Looking back, these are among the moments in my life that have made me feel most alive.

The Mind Can Be Doubtful, But The Heart Has Certainty.

We can argue with the mind and all its reasons. But, most often, even as we present all sorts of argument with the mind, we already know the final decision that we are going to make - and that decision comes from the heart. Most often, the heart knows right from the start.

Putting A Timer On Love.

Love is one of the things in this world that you can't plan. It just happens. You just feel it. It comes from out of nowhere. Oops, slash that one last statement out. No, it doesn't always come out of nowhere. Sometimes, you recognize a feeling close to it at its earlier stage, but you're not sure. You feel the emotion bloom until one day you realize - it's love. There are instances when you feel it coming.

With this being true, of being able to feel love when it comes to you, is it possible to put a timer on it? To tell it 'Hey, not yet. I still have some things to sort out in my life. Just let me get done polishing all the small details in my life that need polishing, so that I'll be all prepared for you'? Really, can you get ready for love? Is it something you can prepare for? Can you really have some form of control over it? Can you tell love 'Hey, I'll be ready for you at this time, once I have already taken care of this particular issue that I need to take care of'?

I guess that's what I've been doing all along, putting a timer on love. I feel it coming and I tell it 'Wait! Not yet! I still have to sort this thing out! Be here once I'm done with this one!' And even when I feel it already, getting closer and closer, I try to shut it out and ignore it because I'm not yet done dealing with my issues. I'm not sure if this is one good way to deal with it, but this is the best way that I know. I just hope the timer won't run out before I'm ready.

Tears Won't Make Things Better.

You cry yourself to sleep last night, feeling helpless about the situation you're in and hoping that the stars will grant your wish and the universe will finally have a good turn. But when you wake up in the morning, you realize you're in the same situation and you have not advanced, not one step. You're as confused as you were the night before. And all you got are puffy eyes that you wish you would be able to conceal as you go about the day's tasks.

Your tears can only do so much. The relief that they bring is temporary and short-lived. Better not waste them.

The Importance Of Certainty.

You won't really be able to understand how important certainty is until you get into a situation that makes you truly uncertain and immobile, and you realize that certainty is the only thing that will keep your sanity intact.

Because without it, everything becomes unstable. One moment you feel so sure about the option you're about to pick, and the next moment you become as confused as before. And without certainty, everything turns suspicious. Even the most innocent of statements can send you in a frenzy of doubt and questions. Without certainty, you begin to search for meanings behind words, to look for something deeper underneath what you see in the surface.

But in the end, you realize that the problem is you. And that the key to your dilemma lies within you. That you have the power to turn things around. All you need is a grasp of certainty for things to become stable and clear.

Have You Ever Disliked Someone For No Specific Reason At All?

Except, perhaps, because you find the person mean? Or because that person rubs you the wrong way? Or because your innermost intuition tells you that the person is not to be trusted?

And what do you do if that person is one of the closest friends of someone important to you?

Life's complicated. Argh!

A Lesson About The Heart.

The heart is such a fragile part of the body, yet it's also very strong - it can endure a beating. You can take a heart and tear it to pieces, trample on it, yet you can expect it to remain whole and complete in the end.

But I think, the heart of every person can only handle up to a certain amount of pain, of confusion, of topsy-turvy emotions. The continuous occurrence of these also wears out the heart. It gets tired. It gets bruised. It gets broken. Sometimes it does give up. When the cause is lost. When there is no more reason to fight. When letting go becomes a better option.

But when nothing is left, what happens? Does the heart die? Does it die instantly, or does it die slowly? No, I don't think so. I don't think it dies. I believe that the heart never dies. It may stop beating for a while, but eventually it shall survive and live on.

It's Okay Not To Like Someone.

This is a realization that is somewhat connected to one of my previous posts - this one. I mentioned in the post that we shouldn't expect everyone to like us.

In the same manner, I realized that it is also normal for us not to like everyone. As we journey in life, we will meet people who will not be pleasing to us. People who will not meet our standards and who will have a different set of values. People who, as I have told a friend, will not be compatible with us because of personality differences.

And that is only normal. Therefore, it is important that we forgive people who don't like us, and we also forgive ourselves if we find there are people that we don't like.

It's all the same. And as I said, it's perfectly normal.

We Can't Expect Everyone To Like Us.

I know, this is one rule to happiness - to remember that we can't please everyone, that not all of the people we meet will like us. 

I should be mature enough to know this, right?

Well, yes. But, there are still situations when I get affected and feel bad every time I find myself confronted with this issue. I've been battling with my tendency to be a pleaser ever since I realized how bad the effect it was having on me, and in many instances I have succeeded.

Every now and then, though, comes a situation that brings back all the negative emotions I've tried to do away with during the past years. Every now and then, I would be facing a challenge that would put all my previous efforts to the test. And in certain instances, I would realize that I've not really totally gotten rid of this unhealthy tendency. And then I would feel like everything I've done has been put to waste, that I've not actually advanced from where I'd been before.

Here I am still, wanting to please people, feeling the need to get others' approval. And every time I get affected by others and feel bad about it, I know I'm not only feeling bad because someone doesn't like me. More than that, I feel bad because I realize that the pleaser in me is still here.

So, how should I react? I've always believed emotions are beyond our control, that they're neither right nor wrong. 

I realize I must forgive myself every time I feel this - every time I face a similar situation and fail. I shall get affected and feel bad, yes, but I must remember that this is part of the growth. That I'm not yet done growing. This could be a lifetime process, but that's life - some changes, especially big ones, take a long time to occur. 

I know I have to face whatever challenge is thrown my way. I know these are all part of the test, and someday I shall reach that level of maturity that I've been hoping for. So today I may fail, I may feel disappointed, but at the end of the grieving and the frustration I shall pick myself up and move forward, advancing a little from where I've been.

I shall make this!

The Heart Isn't Always Right.

Or is it?

I remember my brother saying once (and I think he was quoting the bible) that the heart is foolish. That people must not always give in to its desires, because the heart easily falls to the traps of the world. And I guess he is right, because the heart doesn't think. It doesn't consider consequences. It doesn't consider the future. It simply acts on impulse. It simply acts on the present.

Why then do people say that we must follow our heart? Don't they know how dangerous it is to follow the heart? 

I've also been following my heart and ignoring the voice of reason for sometime now, and yes I've been happy. I am happy now. But what about tomorrow? What about consequences? What about right and wrong?

These are questions I've been trying to avoid, because I still don't want to face the truth. But until when? I do not know.

Earlier this year, I'd been faced with a temptation so strong I almost gave in to it. But, with prayers and with God's grace, I was able to move on without giving in and falling (more of the story here). I was able to move forward without looking back, and I remember feeling proud of myself after getting through that temptation.

But, just when I thought I've won, here comes another temptation - and there's no saving me this time. I've already fallen, and fallen hard. I don't know how to walk away now like I did with the first one.

When I look at the two and compare them, I can only see one big difference. There was no emotional investment with the first one, so it was easy to walk away and move on. But, I can't say this to be the same with the situation I'm in right now. I've already invested a lot of emotions into this and my heart has already led me farther and farther, so it's not easy to just go away.

I know I want this. I know I'm happy where I am. I know I care a lot about the person involved.

But, I just can't let go of this voice telling me that this is all wrong. That nothing good will come out of this. And that at the end of it all, no matter how this ends, I will always be the one responsible for everything.

I know God is here for me, that He is just waiting that I come to Him for help, like I did the first time when I prayed hard for Him to help me overcome the temptation and walk away. And I triumphed. Only this time, I'm not sure if I want to walk away. I'm not sure whether I really want to overcome this temptation. I'm not sure I want to say goodbye and move on. 

Now that's the real problem.

Jealousy Can Have Different Meanings.

In a relationship, it could mean instability. Your partner may not be committed enough to your relationship so as to commit acts that would trigger jealousy in you. Or, you may not be trusting enough and every little thing makes you jealous.

In some cases, it could mean you're falling in love - there are instances when you're only able to realize that you love a person when you get in a situation that makes you feel jealous.

It could also mean possessiveness, that which you feel when you realize that the person you care about isn't yours alone - that there are other people who care for him as much as, or even more than, you do - and suddenly you want him all to yourself.

In other instances, it could simply mean the realization that you want to keep the person - that moment when you realize that you can lose the person anytime and you suddenly feel scared about that possibility.

Jealousy could also mean immaturity. It could mean a wrong sense of commitment. It could mean many other things, and it says a lot about one's feelings.

... But as to what this jealousy that I'm feeling means, I do not know yet. All I know is that I need to keep it under control - can't make the situation more complicated than it already is.

Abandon Can Be The Most Beautiful Thing In The World.

That moment when finally, after the long battle between your emotions and your reason, you decide to just close your eyes, drown out the voices in your mind, and plunge deep into the unknown, following your gut feel - hoping against hope that all will be well in the end.

That moment when you are faced with a temptation so strong it's overwhelming - you can't help but simply fall despite all the bells of alarm ringing in your head.

That moment when you finally decide to just give it a go, to just live in that present moment where you're in, no matter what the consequences and no matter what the next moment will bring.

That moment in your life when you know you're venturing into forbidden territory, when you know you're doing something wrong and you might get caught anytime, but what the heck, to hell with everything else, you just want to get lost in the maze of your emotions and feel alive.

That moment in your life that is so wrong, yet so right. And you're so scared to do it, yet you did. And every time the voice in your head will bug you, you find consolation knowing that you are just following the voice of your heart.

Abandon is sweet.

In The End, Reality [Always] Prevails.

It only takes one single sentence to blow all the happiness in the world away.

It was the perfect moment - we were both happy and we had a great time together. You said it was your first Valentine's date. You emailed me a couple of our pictures, and I thought they were perfect. Then we exchanged text messages... And then that...

"Pag ayaw sabihin na agad para tumigil na." [Translation: If you don't want this, tell me at once so that I'll stop.]

Then all of a sudden, reality struck. The dilemma came back, this time with twice the impact. And then the same questions. Yes or no? Should I give it a go or should I go away? Should I take the risk and see where this will take us? Or should I stop the insanity this early to save two hearts from more pain? 

The voice in my mind is twice loud this time, and I don't think I can ignore this voice any longer. Help! :(

Mahirap Talaga Kapag 'Yong Feeling Mong Tama, Iba Sa Alam Mong Tama.

This is the first post in this blog to have a title written in the Filipino language - I just feel there's no other words that will best describe what I feel right now than those exact words in that statement.

Translation: It's hard when what you feel to be right, is different from what you know to be right.

And this is the cause of inner conflicts, of unresolved dilemmas, of questions hanging in midair without answers. Sometimes, we choose to stop thinking, to stop analyzing, because when we do, our mind presents us with a long list of reasons showing us that what we feel to be right... is actually wrong.

And it's difficult to argue with the reasons of the mind. 

BUT, it's twice difficult to ignore the voice of the heart. 

So, what do we do when our heart tells us something is right but our mind argues and tries to convince us that it is in fact wrong? I don't know. Just this - can we stop thinking for a while?

Well, yes, it can't be like this for too long. But right now, I still don't know who to listen to. And when I'm in this state, I always go with my heart. 

So yeah, for now, mind, can you please shut up for a while?

Don't Rely Too Much On Your Emotions.

Because they're not rational.

Because they're not stable.

Because they're not always real.

Emotions are often clouded. And the heart doesn't think. When you rely too much on your emotions, you're setting yourself up on one roller coaster ride.

Sometimes, It's Really Just Black or White.

Gray areas are confusing. They leave too many loopholes. And sometimes, we can't trust ourselves to do the right thing and fill those loopholes with the correct choices, choices that will make everything better.

Gray areas are merely an escape, a delaying tactic for many. These areas exist when people refuse to choose between black and white, opting to stay within the boundaries of that safe zone until they have made up their mind and realized that they're finally prepared to stick with a choice and deal with all the consequences of that choice.

Gray areas are to be avoided at all costs. Yes, we must recognize that they exist. After acknowledging their existence, however, we must have the conviction to move on and get out of that safe zone, towards either the black or the white. 

Because the longer we stay inside that gray area, the more the confusion that we create. Yes, that area is safe. It can serve as a means of escape for a while. It can save us from the inevitable - for a while. It could give us the delay that we need while we are still trying to sort out our emotions and make up our mind. But, we shouldn't get too comfortable in that area.

Because one day, when we finally feel we're ready to move on and make our choice, pick between black and white, it might be too late - and we lose both options.

Reminder to self: Make up your mind. Fast.

The People Who Are Important To Us Will Always Affect Us.

Funny, the title of this post is supposed to be "We Choose The People Who Affect Us." 

It's supposed to be an attempt at reprimanding myself for allowing someone's actions to affect me and determine my mood. It's supposed to be a piece that would convince me to see things more rationally and to maintain some form of control over my emotions.

But yeah, it was a failed venture. I couldn't find the right phrases and words to say. I couldn't find a convincing enough point to prove what I wanted to prove.

And when I looked more closely into the matter, it all came down to this: we really don't have total control when it comes to choosing the people who will affect us. To a certain point, maybe we have, but there will always be a certain area in there that we can't control.

It's mind over matter, yes?

Yes. But, although it's possible for our mind to rule over a big portion of our heart (because this is an issue of the heart, right?), there will always be a small part there that will remain untouched. That small portion there will always be guarded against the mind, refusing to hear reason, always free to feel - no matter how irrational the feelings, no matter how wrong the emotions, or how confusing the results.

It's that small portion that robs us of our ability to have control over the people that we will allow (and not allow) to affect us. That portion of our heart has reason of its own, one that we may not understand at all times, and certainly one that we cannot question.

Right Or Wrong Doesn't Depend On Our Emotions.

Doesn't mean that it feels good, it's already right.

Doesn't mean that it makes us happy, it's the correct choice.

Because feelings can be irrational. They are unstable, and they defy reason. 

Oftentimes, the irrationality of our emotions can cause an internal struggle. So, it's easy to just shut off the mind to forget the chaos and live in peace, and to keep that small voice inside our head from bugging us. But the chaos won't disappear. We can tame the mind for a while, subdue the voice for a moment, but it won't stay silent for long.

Emotions can give up, but reason won't. So no matter how correct everything feels, we shouldn't forget to pay attention to what our mind is telling us - before things get out of control.