Repost: The Way We Are

Can we really know a person – for real? I mean, is it possible to really know a person? Or are we the only people who know ourselves (or, do we even know ourselves like we think we do)? The latter is beside the point, so let’s not digress.

If only we know the reality about the people we care about, if only the cloak of mystery that surrounds every human being will be removed, I guess it would be easier to deal with people. There’s no need to pre-judge a person… no need to act so cautiously thinking that we might be doing the wrong thing and the person might react negatively to what we do (no matter how innocent or sincere our intention)… no need to second guess, wonder, and suffer trying to decipher the mind of a person just so we’ll know how to react the right way to that person.

Why do we really need to put on masks? I guess because we’re afraid of the world. Because of our need to conform. Because of the fear that the world will not like what they see when we reveal ourselves.

But, recent events have showed me just how unhealthy this part of human nature is. Because of the masks that people around us wear, we are unable to relate to them in the best way we can. And because of the masks that we ourselves wear, we deprive ourselves of the chance to be really seen, and to be liked the way we are. And this makes everything complicated.

Yes, we become vulnerable by revealing ourselves – whether it’s to the people we deal with everyday or, yes, to that person we care about so much. We might get hurt. Our dignity and pride might be trampled.

But, what about the rewards? What about the possibility of being liked and loved just the way we are? What about the possibility that the person we care about so much will reciprocate the feelings that we have? These are only possibilities, but don’t they hold promise?

What People Say

It doesn’t matter what people tell you… What matters is what they say about you behind your back.

But then again, you can’t really control the mind of other people. You have no control over their opinion of you. No matter what you do, there will always be people who will judge and misinterpret your actions. So why worry?

If you know you’re doing the right thing, don’t bother yourself about other people’s opinion. After all, pleasing others is a goal that’s doomed from the very start.

The Four-Way Test by Herbert J. Taylor

This is a test not only of the things that we say but as well as the things that we think and do. Four simple questions to consider to gauge our thoughts, words, and actions:

1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

Only thoughts, words, and actions that pass the test are worth considering.

Repost: Of Friendships, Exclusivity, Privacy, and Freedom

There was a time in my life when I told myself I wasn’t capable of establishing a personal and a deep relationship with anybody. And I’m not speaking only in the context of romantic relationship – I’m also speaking in the context of friendship. I was too restless to settle. I love my privacy so much. And I don’t believe in best friends. Call me cynical, but I don’t. I do believe in friends, though. And close friends, too. But in best friends, and the exclusivity that comes with being someone’s best friend – I don’t.

I have friends, mind you. I have friends at the office. I have friends from elementary, from high school, and from college. I have D Corz. I have my team. I have my former students. And I still make new friends now. But, I have a hard time dealing with exclusivity and everything that comes with it.

There have been a couple of instances in the past when I went away from prospective friends and friendships because of this. In the beginning, everything was going well. We would hang out together and share ideas and experiences with each other. We would even share secrets. For a while, everything would be fine… Until it didn’t seem right anymore.

There came a time when I already felt my privacy was being invaded, when these friends became a little bit more clingy. They would tell me everything about their life and expect me to tell them everything about mine. In the office, they couldn’t wait to share with me everything that’s happening in their life, and right when I was so in the mood to work. They couldn’t wait to share every little detail of their life with me. And I guess that’s fine, after all we’re friends. But it didn’t seem right to me.

Long story short, I felt trapped. I felt I was losing a certain percentage of control over my life, that I was forced into doing things I didn’t want to do. And in the end, I hated being in that particular situation. So I walked away.

I felt guilty, knowing in my mind that my friends didn’t do anything wrong. I think they were just doing what they thought was normal for friends to do. But that’s just it. I am the one with the issue.

I value my privacy a lot. I love my freedom. I love to be friends while still being able to move freely within my own space. I want full control over my life. And that’s still how I feel until now. So tell me – is this normal?

I Love To Be There For You.

I love to be there for you during good times, to laugh with you until we get tears in our eyes.

I love to be there for you during bad times, to hold you in my arms and tell you everything is gonna be alright.

I love to be there for you in the morning as you wake up, to be the first to hear your voice and see you smile.

I love to be there for you before you sleep at night, to hold your hand until you close your eyes.

As We Move On In Life, There Are People That We Have To Let Go.

There are people that we let go by circumstances. Life takes us into a different path and we start to live a new life with new people, leaving behind some of the people we used to know. There are also people that we let go by choice. Maybe because we feel that these people are not influencing us in a good way. Maybe because we feel they're holding us back and keeping us from reaching our best potential. Or maybe because we simply feel that we have already grown apart from these people and our values have already changed.

Letting go by choice is not easy, especially if the people we've let go are people that we deal with everyday. Relationships are already complex as they are, and they can get even more complicated when issues like letting go are involved.

I guess the key to avoid all these is to do the letting go gracefully. However, being graceful is not always easy in these instances (especially for someone like me who is not really a people person). There will be heartaches. There will be awkwardness. And there might even be grudges.

That said, let us remember that situations like this call for honesty more than anything else - that is, honesty to ourself. We can't be passive during these instances and we cannot allow fear to keep us from doing what we must do. We must be brave enough to let go and go away if we are to save ourself. 

It's Not Possible To Be Friends With An Ex.

... While one of you still harbors romantic feelings towards the other.

I've always envied people who were able to remain friends with their ex, and I've always aimed to do the same. I only had two formal romantic relationships in the past, the first being experimental (the kind that you get into just to see how being in a relationship would be like) and the second being a real one, lasting five years and five months. 

When both relationships ended, I thought it was possible to remain friends with Ex1 and Ex2, especially that both endings went well. I tried to salvage the friendship, but it was not easy. 

It was disastrous with the first, and almost all attempts to reconnect resulted in me being frustrated every time the person would end up asking for another chance and doing all other sorts of emotional torture. In the end, I decided to stop being nice and to ignore the person altogether.

But I thought it would be different with the second, as we had something more than romantic relationship - we had friendship. And I still care about him, though not the romantic kind of care. I want him to succeed. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good life. And I really want to keep him as a friend. But, as it turned out recently, I think it would be another failed attempt.

So what do you do when you want to be friends with an ex but the ex can't move on? No matter how much you want to keep the friendship, there are times when the only option left is to let go.

Putting A Timer On Love.

Love is one of the things in this world that you can't plan. It just happens. You just feel it. It comes from out of nowhere. Oops, slash that one last statement out. No, it doesn't always come out of nowhere. Sometimes, you recognize a feeling close to it at its earlier stage, but you're not sure. You feel the emotion bloom until one day you realize - it's love. There are instances when you feel it coming.

With this being true, of being able to feel love when it comes to you, is it possible to put a timer on it? To tell it 'Hey, not yet. I still have some things to sort out in my life. Just let me get done polishing all the small details in my life that need polishing, so that I'll be all prepared for you'? Really, can you get ready for love? Is it something you can prepare for? Can you really have some form of control over it? Can you tell love 'Hey, I'll be ready for you at this time, once I have already taken care of this particular issue that I need to take care of'?

I guess that's what I've been doing all along, putting a timer on love. I feel it coming and I tell it 'Wait! Not yet! I still have to sort this thing out! Be here once I'm done with this one!' And even when I feel it already, getting closer and closer, I try to shut it out and ignore it because I'm not yet done dealing with my issues. I'm not sure if this is one good way to deal with it, but this is the best way that I know. I just hope the timer won't run out before I'm ready.

A Lesson About Being Neutral.

So I have this friend (A) who has an issue with someone (B), who I found out later on to also have an issue with her - the feeling's mutual, except they don't know that they feel the same towards each other. 

I decided to stay neutral and not intervene. Well, in other instances, I guess I would have intervened. After all, a friend is involved. It would be easy to tell my friend "Hey, this person you have an issue with also has an issue with you." 

But, I did not do that... Because the person who told me about it asked me not to tell. She's someone I care about (let's call her C), and I promised her I won't say a thing. It would have ended at that, except C is a friend of B, and C also has an issue with A because of some things she found out.

With A and C being both important to me, I just decided to step out of the situation - to simply listen to whatever they (including B) have to say about each other without doing anything and without letting them know about all the things I know.

It would have worked out perfectly well... Except sometimes, issues come up and things get complicated and I feel confused about stuff. I'd ask myself whether I'm doing the right thing staying neutral.

Every now and then, I'd have this strong desire to tell my friend A about the whole thing, but I'd always end up not doing it because of my promise to C. 

At other times, whenever things come up and whenever I hear stuff about the issue, I'd get this same strong desire to share my dilemma with C. But then again, I'd end up not doing it because I know she's a friend of B and I know how she feels about A. 

But it's hard! I get so confused every time an issue crops up and I have to pretend like I don't know a thing just so I could protect A and keep my promise to C.

And, guilt is already starting to eat at me! Whenever issues come up, I'd feel guilty for not telling A, and at the same time I'd feel guilty for not telling C. One moment I'd feel like I'm betraying one of them, and then the next moment I'd feel like I'm betraying the other person. Feels like I'm betraying both of them by staying neutral!

Argh!

Sometimes, I just want to tell all of them "Hey, will you just leave each other alone and cut the pretense of being nice? If you have a problem with each other, then go away from each other and don't get involved with each other's life!"

*sigh*

Commitment Is Such A Heavy Word.

Too much effort. Too much work. Too much drama. It can be frustrating.

And yes, I'm talking about 'that' kind of commitment, the one that you invest in a relationship.

The root of the frustration here probably lies in the complexity of every individual, or in the unpredictability of human action and reaction, or in the expectations that come with commitment. Because to commit means to put up with all of the things I've mentioned above - the effort, the work, the drama, and many more - and to deal with the emotional chaos that they often bring with them.

I've had my own share of experiences when it comes to commitment. My last relationship lasted for five years and five months, and I can proudly say that I've put in a great deal of commitment into it. That relationship has gone through the ups and downs that every relationship goes through, and many of the problems I've encountered have to do with commitment.

Compare it to a role play. When you decide to commit, you develop certain expectations that you hope the other person will fulfill, and you also take on a certain role in the life of that person. Both of you are sort of assigned a role that you have to act out. 

But, problems and complications arise when one of you decides to change that role, to perform another role, or to simply refuse the role he is given.

Because not only can role playing get boring, but it's also easy to get lost in that kind of game. One day you'll wake up and you're not sure anymore whether you're doing what you're doing because you still want to do it or simply because you feel responsible in keeping up with the role that you've been assigned.

Oh well, the complexity of it all.

I want my freedom. I want my peace. I want my space and my time. So yeah, today I realize I'm not ready to commit, not just yet.

Not All Things Are Easy, And Not All Questions Have Answers.

I feel butterflies in my stomach - not the good ones, though.

---

This lesson can be hard to accept, but I guess this is the only thing that'll really work in my situation right now. So today, I tell myself this:

You can't wait for things, for your desired outcome, to happen without you doing anything. You need to do something. Because no matter how you pretend that everything's alright, you can't escape the hard reality that something is wrong - and it's starting to eat at you. 

See? You're restless and bothered and fearful. The problem won't disappear, no matter how much you wish it to. And things won't go back to normal unless you face the issue head on. 

Deal with the mess today and don't prolong the agony. Because the longer you hold off, the longer and deeper the pain that you will create. Do it now. Do it gently. And do it fast.

Inside my mind, though, is this question: HOW? Nobody told me how to handle this kind of situation.

---

Dear C: I might be hurting you, and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to do this right.

Nothing Can Be More Important Than Relationships.

With all the things going on around me right now, it's so easy to get distracted and to lose focus. I often get confused because of the many things that take my attention and eat up my time - my work, the need to excel, and the desire for more material things. Because of all these, I usually find myself in the middle of chaos and confusion, losing direction and feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything that's worthy.

And now, now that I have distanced myself from my daily schedule and routine... now that I have broken free from the predictable day-to-day living that I've come to follow, albeit for just a while... now that I have enough time to spare to pause and look at the many things going on around me and the many experiences that I have encountered in the past year, I realize that the memories that remain are memories of people, memories of moments that I shared with those who are important to me.

And yes, I am reminded that people are always more important than things. That relationships are always to be prioritized. Because at the end of the day, more than the amount of things that I've accomplished and accumulated, what matter more are the number of people that I have blessed.

I will always be grateful for the relationship that I have with God, with my family, my friends, my officemates, and all the people around me, imperfect as these relationships may be. And, I shall do my best to cherish, nurture, and prioritize these relationships.