Fear Can Mean Love.

I'm not sure about what I feel, but right now there is one thing that I know:

That I'm scared. 

I read the post. And I'm not sure, but I think it's about you. And if it is, that only means it isn't over yet. Yes, you told me several times it's over, at least on your part. But in all honesty, I did not quite buy that - maybe because I've always believed you can never be totally over a person who had been a very important part of your life in the past. There will always be something left for that person. And if the other person has the same emotions left, the temptation to get back together will always be there. All that's needed is an opening, even just the slightest chance, even just the smallest ray of light. And I guess that post, it's an opening, a chance, a ray of light. 

I'm not sure about what I feel, but I know I'm scared.

If you see that opening, what would you do? Would you be tempted to go back and give it another shot? Would you realize that the present is all just a waste, that it was really just a way to get back at your past? I've never really admitted this to myself, but all this time this thought has been in my subconscious - I've always wondered whether what we have is just your form of revenge to someone who has hurt you in the past, that this is just to show the person that you can move on. I'm too proud to admit that this thought bothers me, that this is one of my fears, but it does bother me and it is one of my fears. Once I asked you to meet her again without me with you, just to see whether you still had feelings for the person. I guess I wanted to be sure that you've really moved on, that whatever we have is for real. But you refused. I had three thoughts running in my mind back then - one, that you refused because you really wanted me to be with you on that occasion; two, that you refused because you were afraid to be tempted again and to fall under the person's spell if you go there alone, so you needed me beside you; and three, that you wanted me there as a trophy to show around and let the person know that you've moved on. I ignored those thoughts and buried them in my subconscious, and there they've stayed since then. Until now, I still wonder. And I guess, as long as we're together, I'll always have these thoughts with me. And every time something would come up, I would be scared.

I know I'm scared, but does that mean I love you?

I think I know the answer. I think I knew it all along. I think I do. I just could not admit it to myself yet because I could not go with this, not just yet, until I have everything in my life all sorted out. But what about the fear? What about these bothering thoughts? I guess they're all part of the things I would have to deal with when I finally decide to go with this. After all, your past will always be part of your life.