Commitment Is Such A Heavy Word.

Too much effort. Too much work. Too much drama. It can be frustrating.

And yes, I'm talking about 'that' kind of commitment, the one that you invest in a relationship.

The root of the frustration here probably lies in the complexity of every individual, or in the unpredictability of human action and reaction, or in the expectations that come with commitment. Because to commit means to put up with all of the things I've mentioned above - the effort, the work, the drama, and many more - and to deal with the emotional chaos that they often bring with them.

I've had my own share of experiences when it comes to commitment. My last relationship lasted for five years and five months, and I can proudly say that I've put in a great deal of commitment into it. That relationship has gone through the ups and downs that every relationship goes through, and many of the problems I've encountered have to do with commitment.

Compare it to a role play. When you decide to commit, you develop certain expectations that you hope the other person will fulfill, and you also take on a certain role in the life of that person. Both of you are sort of assigned a role that you have to act out. 

But, problems and complications arise when one of you decides to change that role, to perform another role, or to simply refuse the role he is given.

Because not only can role playing get boring, but it's also easy to get lost in that kind of game. One day you'll wake up and you're not sure anymore whether you're doing what you're doing because you still want to do it or simply because you feel responsible in keeping up with the role that you've been assigned.

Oh well, the complexity of it all.

I want my freedom. I want my peace. I want my space and my time. So yeah, today I realize I'm not ready to commit, not just yet.