On Focus, Discipline, Choices.

Each of us is surrounded by thoughts, feelings, things, circumstances... And sometimes they clash with each other, they make up a mess inside us, and they cause chaos.

But while we cannot control what surround us, in some way we have control over what affect us. It's all about focus. It's all about discipline. It's all about directing our consciousness towards where we want it to remain.

I was in church this morning, and again I felt this flutter of confusion and panic that's always bugged me the past few weeks every time I would look at myself and assess the direction I'm taking. And again I'd had this strong desire to escape, to think of other things, to redirect my thoughts. And I realized how helpless I am at the moment, how confused I am about the things that I want and the things that I should want. And again I felt like I'm heading nowhere, and that at the end of it all I'll be making a big mess that I wouldn't know how to fix. And then these questions... Why can't all these be right? Why can't I want the right things? Why can't I make things simpler by just going for what's right, thus avoiding all the complications and all questions and all these haunting thoughts? But I know I can't. I can't go for the simple. I can't go for what's right. I can't go for the safe choice. I want my happiness. And I want the happiness of someone. Is that too much to ask?

And then I realized, I've lost the priest's sermon - I had no idea what he was talking about. The mass went to waste because I wasn't there. I had to refocus. I had to redirect my attention. And I realized the same is true with life.

What we focus on today becomes our tomorrow. If I focus on the right and the simple choice, tomorrow I'll be safe and I'll probably get my peace of mind. But will I be happy? I don't know. I just know that I can't risk it. I'm so scared of having regrets. The safe and the simple aren't enough anymore. I need something stronger. I need a reason that's strong enough to last, strong enough for me to hold on to when the confusion begins.

If I can only find the discipline to focus my mind to see what I really want and not be swayed by all my  conflicting thoughts and emotions, maybe it will all be easier. But then again, at this point, I can only wish it'd be that simple.