Endings Can Be Scary.

Maybe because we're not really sure what the ending of the story will be. Or maybe because we know that the ending will not be what we want it to be. 

Times like this, I simply wish the journey would go on and on and on - without reaching the ending. I keep hoping that the travelers won't get weary, realize that the journey is taking so long, and start asking where the road is going, where the destination is, and when the waiting will be over.

Because I'm not sure what the ending will be, because I'm scared the ending will not be good, and I'm afraid that a bad ending might take away all the other good things I have with me right now. 

I'm enjoying the journey. I know I want to be where I'm in right now, but no I'm not ready for the ending yet... Though I know it's just around the corner. And it's all too real to ignore. A reality that's as scary as it's painful.

So for now, let the journey go on. No endings yet, please.

Sometimes, It's Really Just Black or White.

Gray areas are confusing. They leave too many loopholes. And sometimes, we can't trust ourselves to do the right thing and fill those loopholes with the correct choices, choices that will make everything better.

Gray areas are merely an escape, a delaying tactic for many. These areas exist when people refuse to choose between black and white, opting to stay within the boundaries of that safe zone until they have made up their mind and realized that they're finally prepared to stick with a choice and deal with all the consequences of that choice.

Gray areas are to be avoided at all costs. Yes, we must recognize that they exist. After acknowledging their existence, however, we must have the conviction to move on and get out of that safe zone, towards either the black or the white. 

Because the longer we stay inside that gray area, the more the confusion that we create. Yes, that area is safe. It can serve as a means of escape for a while. It can save us from the inevitable - for a while. It could give us the delay that we need while we are still trying to sort out our emotions and make up our mind. But, we shouldn't get too comfortable in that area.

Because one day, when we finally feel we're ready to move on and make our choice, pick between black and white, it might be too late - and we lose both options.

Reminder to self: Make up your mind. Fast.

Commitment Is Such A Heavy Word.

Too much effort. Too much work. Too much drama. It can be frustrating.

And yes, I'm talking about 'that' kind of commitment, the one that you invest in a relationship.

The root of the frustration here probably lies in the complexity of every individual, or in the unpredictability of human action and reaction, or in the expectations that come with commitment. Because to commit means to put up with all of the things I've mentioned above - the effort, the work, the drama, and many more - and to deal with the emotional chaos that they often bring with them.

I've had my own share of experiences when it comes to commitment. My last relationship lasted for five years and five months, and I can proudly say that I've put in a great deal of commitment into it. That relationship has gone through the ups and downs that every relationship goes through, and many of the problems I've encountered have to do with commitment.

Compare it to a role play. When you decide to commit, you develop certain expectations that you hope the other person will fulfill, and you also take on a certain role in the life of that person. Both of you are sort of assigned a role that you have to act out. 

But, problems and complications arise when one of you decides to change that role, to perform another role, or to simply refuse the role he is given.

Because not only can role playing get boring, but it's also easy to get lost in that kind of game. One day you'll wake up and you're not sure anymore whether you're doing what you're doing because you still want to do it or simply because you feel responsible in keeping up with the role that you've been assigned.

Oh well, the complexity of it all.

I want my freedom. I want my peace. I want my space and my time. So yeah, today I realize I'm not ready to commit, not just yet.