This is one lesson that I have a hard time learning, probably because being good had been strongly imprinted in my mind when I was growing up. I started out my education in a Catholic school, thus the traditional setting. And even when I entered other schools during the later part of my elementary years, my secondary years, and my days in the university, I looked at being good as a means to secure a safe place inside the classroom. Aside from my intelligence and skill in class, teachers love me because I was kind, polite, nice, obedient, and all those things they teach you to be.
But while those things served me well inside the classroom, I did not realize that the value they cultivated in me would create an inner conflict later on.
Because I valued being good so much, I also turned into a pleaser - I would always say yes to people and what they ask from and of me. I would always try to accommodate everybody's requests, even if there are times when I don't feel like doing so. I would find myself always saying yes even if the voice inside me is already saying no.
Because of these things, I would often end up frustrated. Several times in my life, I'd also attracted abusers who would take advantage of my weakness - I guess people like these are able to identify an easy victim without any problem.
And for a long time now, I have been struggling with this dilemma. I'm starting to learn how to say no, but I still fail a lot of times. And every time I would succeed and be able to say no, I'd end up guilty. My struggle is an up-and-down process, and it's not easy. I still get disappointed with myself now and then.
But while I get disheartened a lot of times because of this struggle (when I say yes I would feel bad, and when I finally have the courage to say no I'd still end up feeling bad), I am thankful to the people with whom I am able to share this dilemma.
There are at least a couple of such special people in my life right now, friends who understand what I'm going through and who respect and understand my choice during times when I am placed in a situation in which my struggle usually surfaces.
I was with one of them just very recently, and that person has made me realize (again) that more than being right, it is more important that I become true to myself. That aside from being good to others, I owe myself some goodness, too - that I should learn to respect my feelings and the way I see the world. And, I should determine my boundaries so that I can bravely fight for my values and for the things that are truly important to me.
I feel very thankful to these people, for always keeping me focused on what's important and for always reminding me that I should also learn to love myself. Cheers for friendships!
